A Lost-like Finale

I apologize in advance for what will be a hella long post, but since this will be my final one, I want to make sure all the bases are covered.

I always knew that the endpoint of my blog would be when I got married, as much fun as I have blogging, when I conceive of marriage I always think of the whole spousal privilege  thing (too many gangster movies I guess) so me tying the knot would be the end. Of course I never thought i’d be tying the knot anytime soon so what the hell.

8 Months Ago

When I wrote this post about engagement ring shopping with my friend Drew, I left out one small part, the jeweler showed Drew a lot with 3 stones, they were fantastic and the price was great, but better for all 3. The issue was Drew only needed 2 (one for her ring and one for his band), the deal was so good though that I bought the other stone. I figured what the hell, it’s not like it could go bad or anything.

1 Month Ago

I decided that I wanted to propose. I thought it through sober, drunk, high, drunk & high and I realized it feels perfect.  I talked to her dad (patriarchal I know, but i’m old school) and he was happy, he actually hugged me, not the cool, one handed chest bump, manly-type way, but a full body two-armed hug. I then talked her sister to set up a time and place.

Last Week

After the crap with her sister and her boyfriend,  I was not sure if the plan was still in effect, but her sister was great about it so Thursday while sitting on a terrace overlooking a lake at winery I proposed. She accepted. While driving home and in bed that night we talked. The more we talked, and the more we thought things through we realized that with our families, any engagement period will be full of parties, decisions and stress. Short of running away, which we don’t want to do, we had the crazy idea that instead of prolonging it, how about we just do it blitzkrieg style and shorten the period to contain to craziness. Around 4am we picked a date in late July, sent out text’s and emails to all of our friends and family and decided to make it happen then, wherever we could manage.

Today

Things since then have been a blur. Tons of phone calls from people confirming the validity of this and more calls double checking that this is indeed happening. One thing making it all easier is that her dad insists on paying for everything wedding related and he even pulled strings to get his daughter the dream location that she wanted, but we never thought would be available on such short notice. My folks are paying for the honeymoon (My dad says my mother damn near fainted and he thought she’d had a stroke because she was quiet for so long).

Condensing our timetable has only made things mega hectic, her family trip to Europe will give her a chance to find a gown, and my trip to Jamaica will be my extended bachelor party (plus the one for my work colleagues, and the one for friends). We still have 2 engagement parties (here and one my folks want to throw in Chicago), a honeymoon to plan,flowers to order, pre-marital counseling to undergo, tastings, musicians to screen, gifts to register for, although I hope for envelopes of cash Goodfellas style, and maybe even house shopping or at least putting her condo on the market (her dad being the mega-developer he is wants to put us in a McMansion, which is crazy, but he assumes we’ll soon populate it with progeny, which is not in the near future). When we decided to go this route I promised to be fully engaged in the process, so we make it through sane. All in all it will be a hellacious next few months and the blog will be a casualty, not that there was much whoring going on anyway.

When the dust settles I plan to continue checking you all out, but that may be months from now, so in the mean time be well and have a drink or put one in the air for me when you get a chance.

No Reason for Concern?

From my days as a psych major I remember the maxim; depression is anger turned inwards. If this is true then wifey will never ever be depressed. The more I know her, the more I realize that she needs some practice learning constructive ways to channel her energy when angry because lashing out is not a grown-up response.

I got a text from her during commencement (of course faculty are texting and surfing during commencements, we’re twice as bored as everyone else) on Saturday asking me to come over the her house as soon as I finished. Knowing why she wanted me to come, I grabbed food from her sisters favorite Thai restaurant and went over her place where she told me that Tony had dumped her sister. Her sister was a wreck but wifey seemed to be handling it well, doing the consoling thing. I hung out for a bit then headed home. Around midnight wifey slid into bed, fucked me then went to sleep. Early Sunday morning, she woke me up, fucked me again and then left to go to church with her family.

That afternoon I headed over to her folks for mothers day dinner and watched tv with her folks while she and her sister were upstairs in her sisters room. After a while I got a text telling me to come upstairs, her sister was sleep, and she pulled me into her old room and fucked me again. Afterwards she told me to head out and she would probably stay the night there.

Later Sunday night she came in as I was washing dishes and proceeded to go off about what an asshole Tony was, how her sister deserved better and how she was so angry she wanted to kill him. Watching her pace back and forth turning so red and just balled up with fury was insane because I don’t think i’ve ever seen someone as angry as she gets, for such a beautiful women, it’s a striking contrast. She eventually left to go back with her sister.

Monday morning, as I talked about this with Dr. Soccer Mom, she  told me that if she was talking to a woman friend who described her boyfriend this way, she might counsel that person to leave that man alone, but she knows that most men would not see that as neccessary.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As I sit, entering grades, I take stock of where I am as summer starts:

-I have to teach two classes this summer, but it’s not so bad, one online and another blended course, so not too much time actually stuck in a class.

-Due to the economy, there are some great deals on travel, so my boys and I will be headed to the Caribbean for a week of R&R.

-For the 2nd year in a row, wifeys family vacation runs consecutive to mine so there will be nearly a month where we’ll be on different continents.

-I’ve gotta get some writing done, or my ass will be non-tenured grass.

-Wifey is at home, still mad as hell because of what I described in my last post, but sex the last two days has been great, angry women are so hot!!

Whatever goes on, this time of year is the best, why? because it’s the start of Bachelor Party season!! I’d thought my bachelor party dance card would diminish as I got older, but  i’m finding is that even as my friends marry, they meet colleagues who are getting married or know guys remarrying or have younger brothers/cousins/friends tying the knot. Whoever the guys are, there are still parties aplenty, and the best part is,  because I don’t really know these guys I don’t even have to go to the weddings!

Here are a few carols in the spirit of the season: Strip Club/DJ Nelson, Slow Angel/Massive Attack, Buttons/PCD, Fiesta/R.Kelly, White Girl remix/USDA, Stripper Friends remix/Tila Tequila, Cells/The Servant, Lap Dance/NERD, Come on Closer/Jem, Lollipop remix/Lil Wayne.

This is Not Good

Tony is dating wifeys sister, this means that over the last year or so, we’ve hung out a a good bit, which is why it was no big deal when he called me this afternoon and asked to meet up. I got to a bar close to campus and sat down, when he came in he was not his normal self. I poured two glasses and he drained his in a gulp and then fucked up my forseeable future.

He’s breaking up with wifeys sister.

They’ve been together for 3 years and I know she thought a marriage proposal was imminent since she’s entering her last year of college and he’s graduating.  Instead however, he’s ending the relationship. The reasons are the normal, growing apart, small town girl-big city boy going separate ways after his graduation thing.

He is planning to let her know in the morning and he wanted to give me a heads up for two reasons, 1. He knows that wifey is  super protective of  her baby sister so wifey will be emotional.  2. He wanted to give me a heads up because he knows his name will be shit around their homestead and he wanted to let me know he wasn’t a total prick since my opinion of him was important.

So now, I have to sit through commencement tomorrow knowing that i’ll deal with an angry/sad/angry/upset/pissed girlfriend sometime tomorrow. I told Tony I would do him a favor and not let wifey near her gun, but that was the best i’d probably be able to do for him.

Fuuuuuuck!!!!!!

Messing Up My High

I occasionally enjoy viewing porn, big surprise. My personal predilection is amateur stuff, real women, various ages, body, types that sort of thing. Because of that, as I wrote about a bit ago, when I found this site, I thought it was cool and kind of a fun guessing game. Since I liked this sight I thought i’d also like this site. But now, there is something about both of these sites that is beginning to detract from my enjoyment.

Why the hell is it, that this far into the digital age,  people still let others keep nude pictures they take!?! I’m old enough to remember when having a camcorder was hot shit and making your own sex video was risque, but that was 10 years ago. Given the massive amounts of stories about people who’s lives are ruined when nude photos are circulated, why do people seem more inclined to snap off T&A shots and send them to their soulmate of 2 days?

I know there is a huge asshole factor at work in most cases of these photos being shared (call me a prick, but one exception is if a woman screws you over and you have these pics, in that case it’s on) and no doubt there is a rise of male bitchassness leading to the proliferation of  these sites, but at some point people have to know that taking these shots ain’t a good idea. Right?

Pros vs. Joes

After completing my Shawshank type crawl through a mound of papers and exams, I emerged clean on the other side and decided to use the nice weather for an impromptu cookout/ Bulls game viewing. After watching perhaps the greatest single basketball game ever! Discussion turned to ways to relieve stress, someone (ok it was me) drunkenly admitted that massages with happy endings are a great way to unwind, especially when done by professionals. Several of the women immediately expressed disgust at the idea of their husband using a hooker (I tried to interject that masseuse is the proper term, but to no avail) and that if they found out, it would be splitsville.

As the only non-married man there I was on an island, but I was drunk and happy so I ignored the icy stare of my woman and went all in. I posited that actually, a guy in a relationship who uses a pro might actually be a bit more thoughtful than a guy just banging his secretary because as least with the pro, you know it’s in and out and only about the sex act. In an affair there is the potential for emotions and other stuff to be  involved. Plus, there is something to be said for going to a professional when you want something done effectively and efficiently, I mean we pay accountants to do our taxes, not plumbers right?

Our little soiree ended with no one swayed by my eloquent ramblings, later as we headed to sleep, wifey asked me how many times have I gone to massage parlors, I mumbled something about grad school then feigned drunken sleep to protect my 5th amendment rights.

Wait a minute, are you serious?

I pride myself on not being surprised by anything, i’m a “keep it even” never get upset kind of guy, but as of late attitudes and actions of those around me are actually scaring me. I am in the midwest, the heartland or whatever. Surrounded by those small town, patriotic folks some claim form the backbone of this country and folks around here and across the country are starting to parrot things that don’t even make sense. By this I mean people are saying things that are so stupid that it would be funny, but they are not joking, they actually believe them:

Example 1-Socialism -There is no fucking way we are moving towards becoming a socialist country, it’s like in the princess bride, with my man Vizzini. Anyone who actually studied in school knows what socialism is and knows there is no way we are close to becoming a  socialist nation. It was cute during the election but when I come across it now, I can only be like really?

Example 2-They’re going to take our guns!- As a FOID card carrying man, who dates an avid gun-owner/collector, I can relate to my homies in the NRA who like to shoot. I gotta admit, blowing shit up with guns is pretty cool. But when these folks start talking about the right to bear arms is under duress, I can only shake my head in disgust, I mean an assault weapons ban is light years from changing the constitution, and it’ll take another school shooting to even make that a reality.

Example 3-Racism/Sexism/Religious intolerance is gone- Now hey, it’s cool there’s a brotha in the white house, but please believe, that is not going to stop my ass from getting Rodney King’d if i’m at the wrong place at the wrong time or getting cursed out when I go and buy a dozen Korans for my class and get blamed for 9/11. I know things today are light years better than my folks had it but this country is no where near a pure meritocracy and thats real.

I’m almost finished grading a shit load of opinion papers and the doe-eyed, naive writings almost overwhelmed me for a minute.

Waterboarding Will Work in this Case

As we come to that time of the academic year when lots of papers come due, the issue of plagarism often rears it’s ugly head. We faced with work that is suspicious I have the following options:

Call bullshit immediately and give the person an F on the assignment. This puts the burden of proof on me and holds up the kids final grade until we can have a judicial hearing or whatever it takes to get down to the truth.

Wait until the semester is done and give the kid an F in the class. Since this grade is already in the books, it falls on the student to intiate the appeals process and even though I still have to prove plagarism, most of the stress is transferred to the student.

Approach the kid and explain my misgivings and give them a chance to justify themselves before I do anything.

Now i’m a nice guy, and this is not about a kid forgetting to cite a source (although any college kid should not screw this up) or parpaphrasing too broadly from a book, article or whatever. This is about the guy who all semester consistently writes like Forest Gump and then becomes Nietzsche on the take home final or the woman who after 16 weeks of class still has no idea who Betty Friedan is, but submits an expertly written 10 page feminist manfesto citing Friedan. Some things just don’t add up.

I seriously doubt most of these kids would need to be submerged 138 times before they opened up. But it’s too nice a day to be a cynic, perhaps under my tutelage these dormant minds have sprung to life and now are bursting with an unquenchable enthusiasm for learning and researching.

Yeah right.

Never to Old

This past weekend was mega-busy, greek week was winding down, so there were several events I had to attend to support the group I advise starting Saturday morning.  I decided to let my nephew hang out with some of the undergrad members of my fraternity. They were in a stepshow Saturday night and they said he could hang with them all day and help out backstage that night at the show. I was judging the show, so I planned to catch up with them there. When the step-show ended, nephew is having a great time and asks if he can go to the after party at the house.  I tell them to keep him away from drugs and booze (ah, joyous hypocrisy), give nephew a few dollars and send him on his way.

Now I’m happy because I finally have a night alone with wifey to get laid after a week of  forced abstinence, so we head back to her house and proceed to do our thing. Around midnite as I head home, she asks if I’ve heard from nephew, I tell her he’ll be home soon. The kid is 6′1, 190 and happy to be where he is,  so i’m not worried about him being out of place. Early Sunday morning nephew is dropped off. The party went until 4am and then some of sweethearts (the unsanctioned “little sisters” of our fraternity) helped clean up the house and they went out to breakfast before dropping him off. Because I wanted to get him home so I could be back at a decent time, I had him shower, pack and we hit the road by 9am. We talked the whole 2 hour drive, never has anyone been more excited about a night of rejection, but they were college women rejecting him so he was happy just to be in the same party. I got him home while my sister was at church and then got out of dodge. I was an hour into the drive back when my sister called. I could not make out exactly what she was saying because she yelling at me so much, bits and pieces about “irresponsibility”,”my no good fraternity” and lots of “assholes” directed at me.It’s wonderful to know I can still get to my big sister.

When I get home, wifey tries to act upset because my sister called her to tell her what an asshole I am, and she can’t believe I let the kid stay out all night. As she starts to tell me how pissed my sister was, I start laughing all over again which gets her laughing. The phone is ringing and when we look at the caller id, it’s my mother and I know that she has some choice words so I don’t answer it. My nephew sends me a text from school today telling me what agreat time he had, which starts me laughing all over again.

Flawed Logic

Life with my nephew here has been quite interesting, aside from the fact that he has forced me to buy more groceries in 3 days than I normally do in 2 weeks the conversations are also eclectic. As I was cooking dinner, he is in the living room on the phone with a friend of his and using my laptop. I hear the partial sentence “..I think it would be weird if a girl was all shaved down there…”

Being the good uncle I am, I ask him, “what are you two talking about?”

Him: (quite proudly) this site james found.

he spins around the laptop to show me this NSFW site.

Me: why the hell are you looking at porn on my computer!?

Not that I have a problem with porn of course, but damn, in my day we had to earn our porn. Either be bold and steal your dads Playboy, or know someone with a cool big brother with videos or buy one of the drunks down by the 7-11 a 40oz. so they would go in and buy you some stuff. This easy access to porn is making kids soft!

him: This isn’t porn!!

Me: why not?

Him: porn is with women who are actors and have implants and fake liking sex, these are pictures of real women so it’s not porn. (smiles smugly)

Me: would you show your parents or your grandparents this stuff?

Him: thats not…

Me: Yeah, thats what I thought. Hang up the phone so we can eat.